


Happiness is in the having

by s_a_b_i_n_e



Series: Destiel Oneshots (smut-free) [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: (Why isn't that a tag yet?), Castiel-centric (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Uses Actual Words, First Kiss, Fix-It, M/M, Post-Canon, Trusting dumbasses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:06:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28358241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s_a_b_i_n_e/pseuds/s_a_b_i_n_e
Summary: Castiel isn't sure if it's the words themselves or the sound of Dean's voice saying them that let him crumble in his resolve. Maybe it's the tears in Dean's eyes or the angry way he clenches his jaws and his hands into fists.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Destiel Oneshots (smut-free) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022302
Comments: 6
Kudos: 85





	Happiness is in the having

Castiel never thought he would see Dean ever again. Telling him that he loved him right before he died for good had felt safe, safer than any other time he had just wanted to blurt it out, but his voice betrayed his overflowing heart.

This time is different, though. None of them is dying. Well, Dean managed to get himself killed and the irony isn't lost on Castiel. Everything he touches somehow goes south from there, no matter how good his intentions are.

But no, he mustn't think about it that way. If not for him neither the world would still exist nor Dean would be in the heaven the righteous man truly deserves. And even if Castiel had wanted him to live a long, free, and happy life, with someone he loved, maybe kids (his own or just some he took under his wing), a dog, more pie than was ever good for him, and without the shackles of saving the world around his feet, he is proud of what Jack and he managed in the short time until his arrival.

Castiel looks at him like he has so many times before, his blue eyes scanning Dean's face. But there is something different now. He can't hold Dean's gaze as he once could. Castiel's eyes flicker away, again and again, the weight of his confession an obstacle between them.

Castiel always knew that Dean loved him. Well, maybe not always and to what extent, but in the end, he was sure about it. That's why he pushed him aside, literally. More than once Dean had tried to protect him, put himself physically between Castiel and an aggressor, even though Dean had been the more vulnerable person in most cases. Castiel wouldn't have put it past him to jump between him and the Empty and there was no way that he would ever let this happen.

But that's all in the past now and despite his best attempt, Castiel can't bring himself to look at Dean long enough to read him properly. The green of his eyes is just too intense, the crow's feet around them somehow wrinkling deeper than ever before.

Dean looks tired, more tired than he has ever seen him, and Castiel wonders what happened in the few days since he let the Empty take him. All he ever focused on was Dean, to protect him and the people he loved. It hits Castiel like an ice-cold shower that he never thought about how Dean would feel after his sacrifice.

Castiel always wound forwards to Dean's apple pie life, leapfrogging the phase leading up to it. Too painful was the thought of Dean mourning him, no matter if as a brotherly friend or something else.

Castiel hoped that Dean would just leave their memories behind, that he would be part of the "stuff" Dean would let just go, forget about for his own good. But even with Dean's great talent in compartmentalisation, his grief might have already caught up on him.

 _He's always drinking himself into oblivion when you die or are gone too long_ , Sam once told him, pretty wasted himself at that time, and Castiel wants to punch something, maybe himself. Not really taking this possibility into account was rather stupid.

He should have known that his parting words wouldn't be enough to counter Dean's emotions that were always so much more intense than the man allowed to show on the outside. He most likely kept everything inside, grinned and bore it to lull Sam and all the others into a false sense of security.

Why the heck did he put John into Dean's heaven, the man who made Dean push away his own feelings starting the day his mother died?

The silence between them grows and Castiel wishes he just stayed away from Dean's heaven. He obviously doesn't belong here. They have nothing left to say to each other. Castiel put everything out in the open and Dean has no words to voice whatever he is feeling. Just another gift his old man left him.

"I shouldn't have come," Castiel says, casting down his eyes. When there is no answer he looks up, filing away to memory Dean's grown older, but still beautiful features as best as he can, ready to fly away for the very last time.

"Don't you dare!" comes Dean's rumbling voice. "Don't you dare ever leave me again!"

Castiel isn't sure if it's the words themselves or the sound of Dean's voice saying them that let him crumble in his resolve. Maybe it's the tears in Dean's eyes or the angry way he clenches his jaws and his hands into fists.

"You never asked me to stay," Castiel says, his voice so much higher than usual. Maybe he sounds pathetic, but he can't find it in himself to care.

Dean looks bashfully at the ground, jaw still working as if he had to keep a stream of words inside. He inhales sharply. "I do now. Stay. I want you to stay, Cass."

If he still needed to breathe, these words would have knocked the air out of Castiel's lungs, but instead, a needy sound, nearly a whimper, comes out of his mouth. How much he had longed for Dean to say it. How many times didn't he and Castiel left him, walked away heart-broken?

"Why?" Castiel barely whispers.

Dean looks at him, really looks at him, and this time Castiel holds his gaze.

"Because I am not as selfless as you think me to be. I can be a selfish bastard. I want you. Damn it, I wanted you for such a long time." Dean swallows hard and runs a hand nervously through his hair. "I love you. Not because you're family, which you are, or because you are a self-sacrificing son of a bitch, about which we still have to talk about ... but because it's you, Cass. Ever since we met, ever since you pulled me out of hell, it's always been you. I really tried not to love you the way I do, to convince myself I didn't, to make my feelings for you ... safe, to keep you on arm's length and push you away whenever I just wanted you to choose me."

Castiel's heart threatens to beat out of his chest and he's sure if there was any kind of electricity around them, his grace would spread sparks all around them, like the very first time they stood face to face.

Castiel chuckles. "We're really both a couple of dumbasses, aren't we?"

Dean's mouth twitches into a lopsided smile. He looks at Castiel through his eyelashes, the way he used to look at the women he picked up in bars too many times Castiel could or wanted to count.

The angel's treacherous heart thumbs even harder, his grace thrumming under his skin, ready to explode. This is simultaneously worse and so much better than the constant pining over all those years. Dean has the power to destroy him, a millions of years old celestial being and Castiel gave the weapon away freely. But maybe that's what love is all about. Vulnerability.

"I prefer the word 'trusting'. Less dumb. Less ass," Dean smirks.

For the first time since he was taken, Castiel feels a smile growing on his face, relaxing the lines of worry on his forehead. He nods in agreement.

And then there are lips on his own, not comparable with Meg's in any way. They are chapped and still soft, careful and as if they were asking a million questions. Maybe they do.

It's only an innocent brush and still Castiel knows that if heaven was still like it used to be and he died as a human this would be the moment repeating itself for all eternity.

He had been so wrong. True happiness is not in just saying it. True happiness is in the having, in the kissing, in the holding, in the keeping. True happiness is Dean Winchester loving him back.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Let me know what you think.


End file.
